Loneliness is Suffering

Loneliness is deep,
Far reaching, cutting.
It sits in the hollows of your stomach
Pressing out with this constant pressure
That can’t quite be described as physical pain
But is uncomfortable none the less.

Consistently anxious
This won’t go away.
This isn’t who I am,
This isn’t who I want to be.
Hardly anything in my life is the same anymore,
And the things that are just add pressure, too.
Pressure, pressure, always pressing forward
I think I might explode soon.

You drop by for awhile,
I can’t wait to see you,
Thinking that somehow it would make everything seem okay.
I can’t even look at you,
Let alone speak
I do love you,
And I wish I could talk to you
But you would just think I’m weak
I don’t want you to worry,
I don’t want anyone to worry.

I thought I was through with feeling like this
I thought I had changed
The past couple years have been a glorious escape
But now I remember what it felt like
How it always felt
And I can’t believe I put up with it for so long.
I never realized it wasn’t normal
That people didn’t have to feel this way all the time
And just when I thought it was over for good
It came back full force
I can hardly stand it for another day
Let alone forever.

Right now it makes sense,
It’s understandable, I guess
So I’ll just have to wait patiently for it to dwindle.
It’s part of life, its real, its not some dream,
So I’ll have to deal with it straight on.
There still is some hope,
In every aspect here.
I should feel blessed,
And I do,
But I’m just struggling.

I am desperate and clinging,
I hope I don’t turn anyone away.
But I need you now more than ever
I need you now to stay.
I will be gone soon,
I’m aware of that.
But for now,
I just need something to hold on to
And your friendship offers an escaping bliss.
Or returning, actually,
You were with me when things were at their best.
Maybe I shouldn’t tell you how I’m feeling right now
Though you’re the only ones who I feel I can,
Maybe if you think everything is okay,
Then everything is actually okay
And my mental reality is just a lie.

There’s just so much to deal with right now,
So much to get over,
So much to get started and finished
All these deadlines, coughing in my ear,
Knowing I haven’t been feeling well,
But not caring at all.

I look in the mirror,
And for the first time in awhile,
Feel love for the person looking back at me.
Their gentle, hurt expression is caring and genuine.
I do care about them, I want them to be okay.
I want myself to be okay, soon.