Caught Between

Remember to breathe, I think to myself.
I suddenly notice my parched throat
My brain and body on malfunction mode
A drink of water feels so good, but it’s all I want now.
Nothing else will even begin to satisfy.

My life seems filled with water these days
Rain the only thing that makes my life seem real
The cold the only thing that can clear my mind
My face is constantly rained on by tears
There’s no umbrella that can keep them away for long

I’m surprised by my lack of appetite
Yes, I suppose I should eat now
That’s what people generally do at this time
Not that I was ever in synch with them in the first place.
Later I’m proud of myself for eating an apple
Since when is that something to be proud of?
It’ll make things easier for now,
Being gone so long each day
Carrying around so much food would be a pain.

I can only imagine how you felt
I had no clue when we started that it had been that way
There’s a lot I didn’t know about you I guess
Not that you’ve disappointed me in any way
Everything about you seems to make sense and fit in place
With some little surprises still tucked in here and there.
I like all of it,
Or most of it at least.
Most is always enough.

Please realize though that things aren’t the same this time
Don’t measure this on a scale.
Things will not turn out the same way,
There’s no way that they could.
Please don’t be afraid,
There’s nothing to be scared of.

We’re still two different separate people
And we always will be
I wouldn’t have it any other way
So why do you think I’m trying to take that away?
I haven’t done anything to allude to that
I’ve even been careful
The only thing I’ve done is allowed myself to expect
That at least something would continue from this
Something reasonable to expect from any relationship of any kind
I wouldn’t gear myself up for each time to be the last time
And there is no reason why it should be.

The way things were the last time I saw you,
It’s all so vivid.
I remember the way my clothes felt,
Their fabric, texture and fit
The way my hair hung
The way my skin and scalp felt
The way your mouth felt
Your smooth skin
My fingers tangled in your soft, greasy hair
The way I felt you were feeling
The way I felt myself.
It’s all still so clear to me
Do you even remember at all?

I’m not sure you do,
Or maybe you do too well
And are trying to forget.
Either way,
Things shouldn’t have gone from
That to this
I deserve better
At least I’d like to think I do
But if only I feel that way,
Then maybe I’m wrong.

If only I could go back for a moment
I wouldn’t change a thing
I’m not sure where things went wrong since then
But I don’t think it had anything to do with me
I did what I thought you wanted and gave you some space
Maybe I should have held on more
But I respect you more than that.

I cannot believe that this perfect memory
Is the last one I have
I was expecting so many more to follow
And maybe some will
But is it even worth it to you?
I’m not sure you think it is.

You don’t stop tobogganing
Just because the snow is going to melt soon
You don’t stay home today
In case you might not be able to have fun tomorrow
So why cut off something before need be?
Why even live today if you might be gone tomorrow
Well, all the more reason to live then
Today is still your friend!

Waiting

I need you now
Or not at all
I’m waiting as patiently as I can
But I’m not sure I can hold on much longer
If you don’t reach out soon
I’ll just let go.

You probably have no clue how I’m feeling
How I have been feeling, for far too long
I wish things were either how they were before, or over.
I can’t just sit imbetween like this

Can’t you see what’s happening?
Or are you too happy in your little bubble
That you think everything is okay
I want you to be happy,
I don’t want to burst you,
But I don’t think its fair for me to carry this burden alone.
It’s not all about you and your life, you now
I’m doing things too
And this certainly isn’t helping things for me right now
It seems like so long, but it’s been just over a week
I guess being miserable for that long
Is worth the happiness I experienced the past couple months
But a week is a long time
When this is all you feel, but there’s so much else to do.

I bring my computer to school
And just sit writing these stupid poems
How many hours have passed now?
I haven’t even done anything
Little things perk up my mood
But they don’t last all that long
I’m sitting in this little cubicle,
Afraid to leave
I need some contact,
But don’t want to see anyone.
I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation all day.
This is an area for professional research
I’m supposed to be doing something useful here
I feel like I’m tainting it with my overemotional resonance
People here are dressed in suits
I’m hiding in my cubicle
I don’t really belong here
But I’m not sure where I belong
I forgot that I’m not at home
I’m in a quiet corner of a large busy space
I don’t know where else to go though
I guess I’ll just keep waiting.
It’s been too long though,
You’ve hurt me so much
That I’m not sure if I even want what I’m waiting for anymore
Maybe I should just give up all together,
Pick up and move on.

Sinking

I feel homesick, weak.
Sick from what, I don’t know.
It's my mind that’s hurting,
And my heart.
I don’t seem to notice much else.

I’m not sure what I’m homesick from
Sure, I only just got here
And maybe it doesn’t feel like home yet
But I certainly feel welcome,
And it’s not like I’m missing anywhere else.
My heart is in no other place,
Its just drifting, I guess.
I hope it settles back in here soon.

Why this feeling is so deep
I don’t quite understand.
It really shouldn’t cause this much pain
I’m not sure where to land.
I just want my situation to change,
And then my mind will change along with it.
But I know I need to change my mind first,
That’s the only way my heart will heal.

A new, exciting love
So gentle and understanding
May seem like the best kind of all
Worth anything, worth doing anything for
But an older, more endearing kindness
That will never change
That’s been with me since birth
That’s the kind I’m surrounding with now
I never want to push that aside.

I’m sorry for making myself sick further
It didn’t have to be this way
I’m allowing myself to dwell in my sorrow
Not that I want to, I just can’t make it go away
I could push it aside, and make it seem better
Yet I embrace it and shape it
And let it damage me further
I guess this writing is this only way I can deal with things now
It may make things seem worse
But it makes them more clear
And allows some of the feelings to escape
Rather than dwell tangled and cramped inside.

So much love all around me
I appreciate it so much
There’s just another kind that’s missing
But who can expect to have everything?
I just tasted some blissful bite
And was ready to consume more
But all the sudden it was taken away,
So what am I left to do?

Nothing else has been put on hold
I feel like I’ve just been sitting around crying
But that’s really not the case
There’s so much to do,
That really has nothing to do with you
But your presence is with me, all the same.

Even small glimpses back into friendships
Make me feel so much better
An unexpected conversation with a cherished friend
And I feel like nothing is wrong
A sunny walk down the sidewalk lined with chirping birds
And all is right with the world
But I always return to this sinking feeling,
I can’t make it go away.
Maybe it isn’t meant to leave just yet,
I suppose I’ll have to let it stay.

Moving and Breaking

Why would you start something if you didn’t want to finish it?
Time doesn’t mean that much anyway
Not to me, at least.
You’re not the only one making the decisions here
And now you’ve left me hanging
Just as I finally thought everything was perfect
I had a short while where my mind was with my heart
And I was completely content
But I haven’t seen you since then
And now it’s over.

At least I know what it feels like now,
Even if it only flashed by and then disappeared
Now I’m left, changing my life around
I feel okay, I know there are people that love me
And the fresh breeze through the open window
Brings my attention to the daffodils blooming outside
I know I’ll be okay here.
But nothing seems to move me.
My possessions, things, it all seems monotonous
I don’t like any of my clothes,
Music that usually makes me ecstatic now just hangs in the air blankly
And I want it to go away.
Why did I ever even care about those things
The only thing I see value in now is relationships
Of all kinds, close and starting
Human contact, friendship, love.

I feel weighed down by all these silly things I thought I needed
There’s no room for them here,
So I guess I’ll do without, or have them get in my way.
I’m finally alone for a minute,
No time to think, really
I need to finish and unpack before its time to go

At least I didn’t rush
With all these people here helping me
I knew you didn’t want to be with me anyway,
I just don’t know why you didn’t say it
You think you know what’s best for both of us
But you’re wrong,
You only know what’s best for yourself.
But whatever, you’ve made your mind up anyway
It won’t be the same now.

Things feel forced to you
But to me it feels natural
Naturally I want to see you as much as I can
And this morning, after so long
The thought that I might see you later that day seemed unreal
Or too good to be true.

I hang up the phone, smile and get back to work
Might as well just keep pretending
There isn’t any time for feeling here.
But to be honest I don’t feel that much
Disappointment, sure
But I figured it was already happening and I’d just give it one more chance
I’ve been crying all week,
Now I don’t care as much.
Once again, as always
I’m upset about things before they happen
Then once they do happen, I’m already halfway over it
So I just move on.

I kind of hate you right now
But I also love you
Mostly I just like you
As everything you are
As everything you were to me

A ring on the telephone and I hear a friendly relative’s voice
I have something to look forward to again
A new kind of something
Or old, I guess
But I see it differently now

I think there’s a hurricane outside now
Things are crashing all around the house
I run around, struggling to close windows
Rain starts pouring in on me
And its refreshing cold splashes make me feel real again.
The power is out now,
And no one is home
I feel worried for those I love
I want them to get back safe and sound soon
They are the ones that matter, anyway
I should never forget that.

Someone downstairs is freaking out
The car stalled twice, the power went out
What are the chances?
What are the chances, God?
Seems more funny to me
Does it really matter,
What really matters?

It's All in the Timing

Everything is flowing and coming together perfectly
Nothing is planned
It’s just happening,
Much better than I dreamed it could be.

There is this constant looming feeling
Hanging over this new flow
Saying ‘nothing lasts forever, better enjoy it before you go’
Time lurks and hangs around
Maybe a relative to the devil,
Maybe a cousin to an angel
But regardless, it is there
All the time, always.
But most of the time I just push it aside.
I ignore it, and it doesn’t bother me.

If I was overly concerned,
I would have given up before I began
But if I always did that,
Nothing would ever grow.
Time is always here, everything will end eventually.
When that eventually comes, doesn’t really make a difference to me.
As long as it comes at peace.

I was a bit sad
Even when things were at their best
Knowing it couldn’t last long.
Then I had a great transition
After a short corner of time
Where everything was perfect.
It had been the most horrid little while
Now my mind was clearing up and calm
Everything was coming together
And the time spent with you felt so right.

Time no longer seemed like the enemy
It was on my side to at least some extent
A month away, I thought
That allows for plenty of more glorious events like this.
So my happiness returned,
And time became my friend, for a short while.
Longing was replaced with a pleasant calm
And I was happy with what we were given.

But that was taken away before it even began
My peace of mind turned out to be just a mask
Things were over before I knew it
Our different interpretations of time killing
What I had just set free.

The future is a gift
But the present is all we have.
Tomorrow seems like the greatest promise
But I don’t want to forget about today.

But since this little bit of time
Isn’t worth grabbing on to,
to you,
I suppose I should just let go.
If I hold on too tight, I’ll fall eventually
With no one there to pull me up.

Just don’t act like you know everything.
Maybe you’ll end up being right
But it’s not about right or wrong
Or anything imbetween
It’s not about what we should or shouldn’t do
Or what is logical and makes sense
I don’t care about any of that
It drives everything else in life,
This should be the one exception
The one time and place where we can be set free
But I guess those things do actually matter to you,
Even though you always seemed to avoid them before.

So I reach out, grab this flapping flying heart of mine,
And put it back in its cage.
Maybe I’ll wait awhile before I let it out again.
It can only be caught so many times
Before it feels defeated.
I don’t want to be tame.

This is the first times it’s really flown free
It just caught a burst of wind and really knew
For once what it felt like
But that gust of wind died down
Replaced by an eerie calm that I didn’t notice at first
Until I felt all the sudden that it might not come back.

I don’t even know if you were really flying with me
I’ll feel stupid if you weren’t
Maybe you were just on a short leash
Flapping your wings but not really wanting to go anywhere
But looking back honestly, I do know that you were really there too.


No one really knows when the wind will come again
Who reads the weather reports?
That certainly isn’t for me
Although not knowing seems to be killing me now
I know it actually isn’t.
Other things more or less stay the same
As long they are here, I’ll be okay
But if too much else changes,
I think I’ll go insane.
Soon everything will change, it will all be different
But who knows how I’ll feel about it then.

Everything certainly isn’t calm now
It’s not standing still where it used to be
Now it’s hovering in a new level
One that I’m not happy to stay at for long,
Or for any time at all.

Time

Fuck you time,
Why do you have to ruin everything?
But I suppose its not you to blame,
The lack of your presence would be equally disturbing.

We value and interpret you differently,
That’s what our problem is
To me you’ve always been an enemy,
But now you’re not my main concern
Not at all
At other times you’re blissful and calming
When the pressure is at bay
But you feel different all the time
I don’t quite understand you.
I’m partially to blame
I avoided you for many years
Wasn’t that silly?
Not practical at all, but to my mind, it made sense.
I think it’s genetic
I just can’t work around you
So it feels like I need to work against you.

I assumed it would be your fault,
That’s where things were headed
But the funny thing is,
This time you’re not the one to blame.

Maybe we should try to repair things,
So we’ll get along a little better
You stress me out sometimes,
But so far it hasn’t actually mattered.
So let’s set a date,
How ‘bout tomorrow, my friend?
We’ll start from afresh,
And this relationship can mend.

For now, good night
I hope you’re on my side
I’ll give you another chance
And see how you fly by.

Drifting/Returning

What’s happening to my mind?
Its going insane
The daily things I used to love so much
Now seem so distant
I’m walking in a cloud of distraction
I feel heartbreak already,
Even though things were just getting good.

Maybe it won’t even happen,
Maybe it will.
Why do I already feel the effects now?
I might go numb,
Or I might feel nothing at all
(those are really the same, aren’t they)

I just don’t want to lose myself.
I wait for the week to go by,
But what is happening during that week?
Surely it is important too.
Please don’t leave me, life
I need you just as much as I ever did
I love you, I always have
And I want to enjoy every second with you
While we are here

I want to feel it all,
Not just breeze over the mediocre parts
The good and the bad
It’s all part of us, life.
So please don’t drift into the clouds
Stay here, with me, in my mind
There’s so much we can learn together

Remember all our friends?
They are the greatest, aren’t they.
Maybe we need to reconnect
We know we only have so much time, anyway.

How will we feel when it’s over?
Well, it isn’t over yet
So why don’t we just push that to the back
Of our pulsating brain
And freeze for a moment to appreciate what is here
ALL of it.

Thinking we hate it all and realizing that we love it
It’s all a part of us, life, it might change soon
But its here, and it will be again

Its time for us to reconnect
Please don’t leave me behind




Hey there, you
It’s good to have you back
You were wandering in the clouds
(or was it below the earth?)
Now I feel like we’re one again
Please stay with me awhile,
Before you do that again, okay?

Expectations

Memories, words, and vast blank spaces
What do they all mean?
Why do things have so many faces?

They beckon me to come,
Not to yearn to succeed
To be outside
Not bound, but free.

But this world, pressed of time
Simply gives me no heed.
I am bound with responsibility,
I am expected to succeed.

But to truly understand,
We need to not just listen,
But to really see.
We are not truly free.
_________________________________
Originally written Dec 20 2005, revised Feb 27 2009.

Photos

I recently made a flickr account, please take a look at http://www.flickr.com/photos/enewman. I eventually want to get all of my favourite pictures up, but reached my montly bandwidth limit, so I will put more up once May rolls around.

I can't figure out how to provide a clickable link, so if anyone has advice on that, it would be appreciated. If I use the 'insert link' button, the link will show up while I'm writing, but won't show up once the post is published.

Try

Come here, young girl
Sit down and read
Care about everything
But make sure you don't get too caught up in anything.

Don’t think too much,
Think harder!
This is important you know,
But it really doesn’t matter.

You need to spend more time on this,
Why don’t you do something else instead.
We thought we had been clear with you,
But it’s gone straight to your head.

Trapped

I'm an animal
Merely wandering
I got caught in this steel trap
By accident or chance
Or maybe by fate
Who could ever know

I struggle to break free
My bones are crushing
My skin tears at the seams
I try to scream
But those who hear are powerless

Now I wonder what life is really worth
Should I continue to fight
And lose a limb
Or should I give up now
And succumb to this pain.

Figure Drawings

Just did a few simple drawings last night, conte on paper.

Hungry Groundhog

Furry little creature,
Stocky and round with curious eyes .
Sitting comfortably on his treasure,
Greedily grabbing at weeds,
Those fresh, green delights.

People pass by and stare
But the groundhog doesn’t care.
He just keeps on eating,
Relishing in this new abundance
That comes with spring.

Tiny little hands aid the hungry mouth
In grabbing as many weeds as possible, as quickly as he can
To feed this never ending hunger that has presided over winter.

If groundhogs could talk, he would be saying..

OM NOM NOM!!

Springtime

Sunlight gleams through the trees
Exploding into strong rays
I can barely open my eyes to look
But I know that it’s perfect

I lower my eyes back to the ground,
Little green sprouts push through the hard earth
My arms and face feel the warmth pouring over me
The lowering sun kissing my skin with its glow

This is what life is,
This is what life should be.
I feel alive again,
I never want to leave.

Crayon Rebirth

Grapefruit

Up, Up

E.S.F.

Now, now, kids.
Lets not judge each other
By what we do
Or don't do,
But what we could potentially do.

We could all do great things,
Great meaning anything.
You'll be a lowly doctor,
You'll be reigned as a supreme sandwich artist!
But under the sane society,
It's all the same.
Success and competition
Give way to human fulfillment.

The American dream
is no dream I aspire to
Racing to be rich and have more
you're no hero of mine

Your capitalist dreams
will bend their forked tongues backwards
And bite you in the ass.

Momentary Relapse

I’ve been thinking about something for weeks
Now why does it all the sudden seem different?
Are my perceptions of reality really that off?
Or does this newly shone light just transform its shape

I never really know how well people know me,
I always assume they don’t at all,
But the things they don’t know don’t really matter,
Not to them at least.
They’ll find out in time.

Personality is best poured out in gradual increments
Not all at once
You continue to get to know someone throughout their life
But I’m always surprised to realize that people know me much better than I thought.
Maybe I am just an open book, whose pages try to hide but are visible for all to see.

Why did I even think I knew you that well?

I feel regret,
For nothing I’ve done.
For what you’ve done,
Yes, I suppose.
But I don’t want you to feel it too.
I don’t want you to ever feel it
So I’ll do the feeling for you
You just keep on living.

That’s the problem with feelings,
And time,
Things just don’t stop here and start there
They are with us for life
So I don’t really know who is referring to what, and when
But does it really matter?
I refer to things that never even happened, that never will happen
I’m just so fucking confusing that you shouldn’t take anything seriously
From me, ever.
But I’m also so sincere and simple,
Please believe me, what I say is true.

I understand and feel all emotion, all the time
I can be everything at once,
Appreciate everything for what it is worth (Worth not meaning anything, really, at all)
And truly deeply feel it.
It’s still part of me, but a very small part
Yet felt with such intensity that it could really be all of me,
It very well could, and it is for the moment
But let’s not kid ourselves here
Isn’t life just one long scene after another?

Who really knows what is acting and what is real,
And if there’s even a difference.
I don’t really care anymore,
It feels the same to me.

Detachment

Of course I’m not mad
I’m never mad
What is anger, anyway?
Just seems like it’s always an excuse for something else
Peoples own rage blown over in self satisfaction.
But I’m not happy about it, either
I’m certainly not pleased
My indifference is so extreme
It scares me
This action aroused no warmth,
I’m staring at my wall like a cracked blank slate
Devoid of hope or anything at all

Onion & Potato

Intestine

Watercolour pencil crayons and india ink on water colour paper