Monday, November 29, 2010

Theremin

The theremin is one of those things that is just so fascinating, it kind of blows my mind. The theremin is an electronic instrument that is played without actually touching the instrument. Two metal antennas sense the position of your hands, one hand controlling frequency, and the other controlling volume. It is very challenging to control pitches on this instrument, and you can tell by these videos just how accurate the hand movements must be, with even the slightest movement altering the pitch of the note. I've never played one, but think it would be fantastic to try. Here are four videos of the theremin that I thought were pretty great.







Viscacha



This video is so peaceful, it's the perfect tribute to the sun on a winter's day.

This makes me want to sit in the sun and soak up it's rays. Or, cuddle with one of these adorable creatures.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

will it get better?

The recent ‘it get's better' videos that have been circulating the web are an interesting phenomenon in many ways. I have trouble with some of the content of these videos, but do think the idea of creating a network of queer expression, allowing people to share messages of self reflection,or whatever messages they want, is a good idea. People have used this project in different ways, but it was originally framed as a project to give inspiring messages to queer youth to encourage them to wait things out until high school is over, and tell them that things will get better for them. When I kept hearing about more young people who were victims of homophobic bullying and took their own lives, I was angry. I was pissed off, and I wanted our whole fucked up way of thinking about gender, identity, and sexuality to change.right.now. I don't want to tell each generation just to wait out their time in school, assuming that children are inherently mean. With each generation, the people change, but the problems of homophobia, racism, and bullying still persist. Even if we teach children that bullying is wrong, we are teaching them definitions of what is acceptable, normal, or ideal. When children bully people who don't fit in this definition, then whose fault is that?

I'm not sure that it’s a great message to tell youth that if they wait it out, things will get better. Of course when contemplating suicide, youth should know that high school is only a very short, and often painful, fragment of your life. Though it may seem to be dragging at a snail's pace and each day may provide new challenges as well as old one's that never seem to go away, before you know it, it will be over. There are always people, somewhere, who will absolutely love you for who you are. When you’re finished school, you have more freedom to pick your own path - you always have a choice to make changes in your life, no matter how hard things may be. You have options right now. Dropping out of high school, taking a break, or switching schools are all options. Though there is a lot of pressure to finish school, when your own life seems like too much to deal with, there are options out there that you can choose. Suicide is never the only option.

When the years of high school are hard to deal with, I don't think that telling youth to wait it out is the best message. Igniting youth with a fierce passion for change is far more inspiring then telling them to sit idly until their problems go away. And that's exactly the problem - that homophobia isn't going away. It's not going to go away, unless people tackle it right now, at it's source. To think that homophobia is only a problem in high school is a complete joke. Where do kids learn this intolerance from? Their parents? Society? They don't invent it, and they don't leave it behind them once they leave school. Yes, some kids regret being bullies later in their life and realize that it was wrong, but we have a systemic problem in our society that needs to be addressed at all levels, because it doesn't go away once school is finished, it just takes on different forms. Some of these videos are just focusing on bullying in general, and while it is good to hear words of encouragement from adults who care about you and what you are going through, that never takes away the pain of being bullied, and being attacked for who you are. Examples of financially successful gay people spreading messages about finding a good job, starting a family, etc., do not speak to everyone. Not all of us are going to get married, not all of us are going to ever fit into roles that are currently accepted in society.

Children are taught gender from the moment they are born. From the very second they enter this world. We teach them what is acceptable. What they should be. Children are taught what relationships look like. That one type out of many, many kinds of relationships is the only one that is okay. I don't believe in teaching tolerance, because it is rooted in a separation of identities, that creates a hierarchy of what is normal and who it is that we’re tolerating. We are all different in so many more ways than is evident to the eye. We should be accepting of people's differences, but we should also teach children that there are many options for them, and whatever they chose to be is not only okay, but it's absolutely great.

Loving yourself is so important. I'm not trying to undermine the efforts that people have made to encourage youth to love themselves. Because it is important. But queer youth won't love themselves unless they love queerness, and they think that being queer is a wonderful way to be. Being part of loving, radical queer communities that aren't going to sit around and wait for things to change sparks a great sense of love and acceptance for who you are.

Encouraging youth to come out is also something that I have a problem with, and have personally struggled with. I am offended by the notion that I need to come out to anyone. No one ever asked me who I'm attracted to, or said that I had different options, and I don't owe it to anyone to tell them anything about my sexuality. We generally don't expect people to tell us information about their sexual preferences, so why is it expected of queer people to make sure everyone knows how they define themselves (if they even define themselves at all)? We don't need to stress youth out about when they are going to come out. Yes, sometimes it does make you feel better to let your family and friends know, and it can be a weight off your shoulders to not be keeping it a secret. But it's not like being queer is a secret you carry until you 'come out.' With each person you meet, you don't re-enter a closet until you tell them this piece of information about yourself. Sometimes it happens to come up in conversation, sometimes it doesn't. You don't owe it to anyone to tell them. Just because you haven't mentioned it yet, doesn't mean you are hiding. Closets only exist in a heteronormative world, and we don't put ourselves into closets. Society creates closets by assuming that if we don't tell people about our sexuality, that we are straight, and if we aren't straight, that we are hiding in a closet. The closet is created by a culture of fear and intolerance, and I don't need straight people telling me that I need to open this door and come out. Though a lot of people don't know that I'm queer, that is only because they never considered it a possibility. I'm already out, and I never came from a closet.

I get inspiration from communities of resistance, collective struggle, and united communities of people who take care of each other. People who refuse to conform, who are full of love, who live with passion for change. I gain inspiration from people who are fierce and angry while being gentle and kind but above all, full of love.

These videos bring up a lot of questions about identity. People aren't just gay. They come from different contexts and merging identities, and these things all effect our experience. Isolating queerness from other identities is exclusive, and isolating queer struggles from other struggles leaves us all stranded. We are all connected and we are all resisting the same system of power. Standing together makes us stronger. If tomorrow, by some miracle, homophobia has evaporated out of this planet, we won’t walk away content, because if we did, we’d be leaving the majority of us behind. We are women, we are trans people, we are poor, we are living under occupation, we are racialized, we are immigrants, we are refugees, we are living without status, we are of many abilities living in an inaccessible world full of barriers. We are never just queer. I am privileged in many ways, and I understand how this effects my position in the world, and connect my queerness (amongst other things) to other struggles. I refuse to partake in single issue queer activism, because it’s selfish, and it won’t ever put an end to homophobia - which is a complex problem that is connected to all forms of oppression, because it all comes from the same place. Struggles with racism, poverty, and living in a patriarchal society certainly don't end after high school. Finishing school is just the beginning, but it is a new beginning, and it can be a fresh start to something wonderful. Nothing is ever immediate, and life is never perfect, but we meet people along the way who give us hope and made us stronger. Life is an amazing journey, and there is always something incredible to look forward to. Just stick around long enough to make it happen, and you will realize how much potential you have to live an amazing life. Whatever struggles you are facing, you are never alone, and there are always other people out there who are going through similar things. Let's not sit around and wait for things to get better, let's meet up now, and get angry! Let's love each other in huge ways, and keep fighting.

I love queerness in its endless forms, including you. I have gained so much inspiration from all the amazing people I've met, both queer, straight, and people who refuse to put a label to their identity. Regardless of age, there is so much we can learn from each other. So feel free to comment, because I'd love to hear what you think. about anything. about the 'it get's better project', about suicide, about identity, about anything. I only barely scraped the surface on some issues, and can now think of many very important things that I didn't scrape the surface of at all. But I'm going to sign off here, and share a video that I came across. It's a video by some amazing high school students. I was really inspired by these awesome people, and it goes to show that it’s not just adults offering success stories to youth to encourage them, but youth can offer so much to us too, and to each other. By resisting, you are already a success, because you are refusing to fall through the cracks and play by the rules that other people have set for you. These youth aren’t waiting for things to get better, they are living incredible lives right now.



Reteaching Gender and Sexuality from PUT THIS ON THE MAP on Vimeo.

Monday, November 22, 2010

dying spark of light

You are a firefly
Trapped in a jar
Your glow a beautiful gem
that anyone
Would want to hold onto forever.
You are a sight of awe
But as you bounce back from the glass
You wonder how anyone
Could just stand there and stare
As you desperately try to escape.

When you realize you are trapped
You have no reason to glow
For this glass is not yours
And does not need to be lit.
With eyes ablaze on you,
you burn out
and fall.

A waste of something beautiful
When people try to hold on
For longer than this gift was given.
A flash in the dark
Was all you were meant to be.

black creek rage

Friday, November 19, 2010

Riley

halloween

a good excuse to be a clown.

Quinoa stew



vegetble broth
carrots
green beans
onion
tomato
1 can of corn
1 can of black beans
quinoa

also added curry powder, cumin, garam masala, basil, oregano

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Monday, November 8, 2010

How can you hold so close to you
What you once resented.
You speak of it as a part of your identity,
And I suppose it has become so
But you only noticed because it was once missing.

Pulled by rope you tumble to their side
I wonder if you have forgotten
What once compelled you so,
But I don’t think I should ever ask.

The world has tilted and it now makes sense to you
But it makes less sense every day
If you are compelled to question it.

I worry sometimes, that you think down upon
What you have left behind
And it surprises me that once you did understand.
But I don’t think things are ever that simple

We have two different realities
That crash and tumble
As this earth spins around on its axis
And we both see our paths clearly
Two parallel lines that can exist beside each other
And occasionally cross paths.

This earth has no centre
And I’m glad we can all be here.
Your flavour has lost me
And now all I taste is bland.
I don’t know if it was even that good to begin with,
But there’s no sense in questioning
What used to give me pleasure.

My tastes have changed –
In people, places, food, ideas..
What used to excite me
Now just hangs blankly
Like stale aftermath.

Though these long nights feel so wasted
I know I am not wasting away
I feel strength and courage for what is to come
But for now I will not wait.
I will let these moments count
I won’t let the guise of importance
Make this feel meaningless.

A new tremor fills me from within
and I let it take over.
Your existence is mirrored in a feather image
Lightly brushing the past with fine strokes
Of longing and intimacy.
It looks to the future with bright anticipation
Tied to chains it does not yet understand
But wants to break before it does.

Passionate and enthused yet calm
Placidity that seems out of place,
Alluding to the storm that is to come.
A wildness creeps over that surprises even yourself.

Funnelling like a liquid down a drain
You are water and I am molasses
So I let you go on ahead
I’ll catch you later if the moon pulls itself
Towards the earth for awhile.

Never by accident.

Screeching birds hover and swoop,
Excited by your presence.
You were never afraid of them.
A fish falls from the sky
An offering, perhaps
But it is seen as an omen
And people begin to wonder about this strange town
That they hesitate to call home.

On the strangest day of them all
The sky was bright and cheerful
But people left town in a hurry.
I decided to stay for awhile,
Just to see what would happen.
The moon came a little closer
So I wandered out into the starlit open
Of long grasses and weeds
And I found you again.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I had to write a poem with a pastoral theme for my environmental literatures class, and here is what I wrote:

______________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone has a place they feel is theirs,
Some place they call home.
A place where you feel like one complete connected being
Where a peaceful content warms and embraces you.

My place is not surrounded by borders or walls
But is a continuous journey,
Changing with each season.
Though it is a part of me, it does not belong to me
And I don’t want it to.

Sometimes the wind blows harshly here
Sometimes it is calm.
Sometimes I walk and endlessly explore
Sometimes I just sit in one place
And that one place is perfect.

A deer jumped across the path the other day
And I felt honoured to be in its presence
A butterfly fluttered amongst the wildflowers
And I was happy it was sharing this moment.

A place that is your home
Doesn’t have to be where you lay your head at night
Or where you keep things you own
Or where your family lives.

A place that is your home
Can be anywhere you feel safe.

I remember wanting to get lost
So I could stay here forever,
but the time always came
to return to a home with four walls and a roof.

I’m grateful that my childhood memories
Revolve around a place
That changes with each season,
Where a river flows through each bend,
Where life changes
But the place remains the same.

I’m grateful that my cherished moments
Occurred in the open air
That is there for all
Where no money is exchanged
And nothing is sold.

The trees sing to the open skies
And the wind blows a tune through the reeds
The water ripples on the rocks
And pebbles gently sleep on the soil.

The riverbank watches all that pass through it
All who journey along this path.
The trees watch all who stop to linger
Who claim this place as their home
For awhile.
Though this place is still,
I am not alone.

Monday, October 18, 2010

cover of Kids by MGMT



Summertime. Lovely to hear birds chirping and you can even see a butterfly fluttering among the flowers near the end.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

help fund an awesome project


This queer comics anthology looks rad and I really want to see it happen! I just made a donation and they'll send me a copy of the book when it's done! If they don't reach the required amount of funding they need for the project by Nov 24, then you don't get billed. I have become a graphic novel nerd and this summer went to the library every week to get new graphic novels to read. I don't generally buy graphic novels since they are $$$ and don't take long to read so I can't really afford to spend money on something that I'll finish in an hour. Maybe if I had more nerdy friends to share them with...
Anyway, I'm glad to support a creative project since generally I just read them for free and don't actually support the artists..though I don't think people should feel they need to support things through capitalism (ie buying things).

What I really love about graphic novels is that they are so incredibly diverse and tell stories about anything..everything! in unique and beautiful ways. Check out the page for more information. I can't wait to read it, and I hope it actually happens!

Monday, October 4, 2010

pb&j cups



Last night, at 3am, while I was procrastinating from writing the paper that was due last week, I visited this site that used to be one of the many food blogs I was addicted to a few summers ago. While drooling over peanut butter fantasies, I was inspired to make some homeade peanut butter cups. So tonight I made them.

I melted dark chocolate in a double boiler (you put the chocolate in a pot, and put the pot in another pot that is filled with water. It melts it without burning the chocolate. or you can just melt it in a microwave).

I spooned the melted chocolate into muffin cups, and spread some up the edges to fill in the ridges.

I put them in the fridge to let them harden.

I mixed some peanut butter with a bit of powdered fruit sugar. The sugar isn't really necessary, it just depends on your tastes.

I took the muffin cups out of the fridge, and spooned in peanut butter, then strawberry jam (which I made this summer), then chocolate, then another layer of peanut butter, then another layer of chocolate.

The strawberry jam is so good in these! It's like a fantastic version of a pb&j sandwhich (since everything with chocolate is better).

Check out this site for more peanut butter inspiration:
http://fuckyeahpeanutbutter.tumblr.com/

coconut couscous

Here is a delicious and simple meal idea. It's very easy and quick to make and has all the nutrients you need for a balanced meal.

I cooked 1 cup of couscous in 1 cup of coconut milk and 1/2 cup of water. (If you haven't cooked couscous before, you boil the liquid, remove it from the heat, add the couscous, cover with a lid and wait 5 minutes. so easy!)

I threw in white onion, green onion, red pepper, chick peas, corn, peas, dried garlic, and oregano.
This was so good, the coconut milk gave the couscous a nice flavour and all the vegetables added their own unique taste.

It took less than 8 minutes to make and lasted me 4 meals.

In the winter I eat a lot of root vegetables and apples, since we can get them locally and they last for a long time. But I wanted something a bit lighter, so I made this. I got cans of canadian corn and peas for 50 cents at the dollar store - handy to have on hand if I run out of fresh vegetables, especially since I live in somewhat of a food desert.

I used to find that once I opened a can of coconut milk, I would have trouble using it all up. Adding it to smoothies is one good way, today I tried a couple other things.

I made chocolate pudding (just the packaged powder that you add milk to and cook) and used 1 cup of coconut milk along with 2 cups of soymilk.

I also steamed some soymilk and coconut milk, added honey, pure vanilla extract, cocoa powder, and a chai tea bag. A nice treat (rather than going out for lattes, invite your friends over!)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

pancakes

This morning I really felt like making pancakes. Though I generally prefer to make most foods from scratch, this summer I found that I actually liked the taste of pancakes from a mix better than homeade, maybe because they had cornstarch and more indgredients to add flavour. I find that most simple pancake recipes taste boring - I don't really like the plain white flour taste.

So this morning I looked online for a pancake recipe, since I didn't have any mix. I really liked the way they tasted, so I won't be buying any mix and will continue to make these. I like hearty flavourful tasting pancakes, and found that these suited my tastes perfectly.

Here's the recipe:

1 cup whole wheat flour
ground flax seed (I just poured a lot in, maybe 1/4 cup or something but I wouldn't bother measuring it)
1 tablespoon brown sugar
2 tablespoons baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup soymilk
2 tablespoons sunflower oil (but you can use any type of vegetable oil)

set stove to medium heat

combine dry ingredients

add the soymilk and oil

spoon onto pan...and you can probably figure out what to do from here.

I also put chocolate chips in some of them when they were on the pan.

*notes on the ingredients:
-if you don't have any flax seed that is fine, I just like it for the added taste, texture, and nutritional benefits
-you can use any type of flour or sugar, but whole wheat makes them heartier and healthier
-if you don't have soymilk on hand you can use any other type of milk and the recipe will still work
-if you're wondering why it called for so much baking powder, most vegan pancake recipes use a lot of baking powder, and it makes for a thick and fluffy pancake

I made a huge heart shaped one that was as big as my plate.

Here is the original recipe:
http://www.food.com/recipe/5-minute-vegan-pancakes-132263

Friday, October 1, 2010

I'm really excited that I finally just figured out how to post links and videos. I sersiously could never get it to work before. I haven't been writing much poetry lately or doing any art, so this blog might take a different turn again for awhile.

a safer world for sex workers

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/judge-decriminalizes-prostitution-in-ontario-but-ottawa-mulls-appeal/article1730433/

Great news! Ontario has decriminalized prostitution. While it was already legal, there were rules surrounding prostitution that make things harder for sex workers and put them in dangerous situations. Since bawdy houses have been decriminalized, sex workers will now be able to take their work indoors, which means safer areas to work. And since they can now communicate for the purposes of prostitution, workers won't have to hide their business and be forced into shady situations.

Now let's hope this doesn't get struck down.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

People Not Places



I generally don't like posting anything on my blog that isn't my own work, but I wanted to share this video. (maybe I'll start making more exceptions). Invincible is one of my favourite artists right now and is someone I really admire and respect as a person. She performed at my school the other day for a concert my pirg organized as part of our DisOrientation week. She really is a great musician and a caring and intelligent person. I am posting this video not only because it is one of my current favourite songs and has wonderful lyrics and meaning, but also as an example of the important ways that politics and art interwind and express themselves. It always bothers me when people say that politics and art don't belong together, because politics aren't something a person can leave behind them. It is part of who we are, and when we express ourselves through art we express ourselves through our identities and politics as well.

Invincible plays both the character of herself and a tour recruiter for Birthright Israel. I'm impressed by her acting skills and think she is funny and adorable in this role. And as herself she is seriously hot (as always. I'm sorry, I couldn't help but say it.) Much respect to Invincible for exposing the colonization of Palestine in a creative and educational way. May we always remember the importance and history of all places and their people, in Palestine, turtle island, and all over the world.

Emergence Travel Agency is a very cool concept, check it out: http://emergencetravel.net/

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

You’ve caught me in all my fine glory
And even if you let me go
I’ll continue to glow in this moment.
Tonight, I hate my life
But tomorrow might be different.
This twitching inside
Turns to a need
For something else.
Birds outside my window
And I assume they are part of this music
Chirping from this electric universe.
But the world is still real
And it’s right outside my window.
..and life’s like that.
A little part of you goes missing
You stop for a minute, to reflect
But then you just move on.
A cold drink, the sweaty glass dripping on the table
Music penetrates your ears
A steady breeze against your cheek
And you continue with your day.
But remember how he made you smile,
How his greeting cheered you every day.
A friend that never got mad
When you went away,
Disappeared for a few days or weeks or months.
But when you came back
He was always ecstatic to see you.


I love you,
And I’m sorry you suffered in the end.
Thanks for being a great friend for the past couple years.
Your enthusiastic greetings never failed to make me smile.
<3

______________________________
this poem is actually about my pet fish. just thought i'd let you know so you don't get too sad. but clearly i take things like this very seriously. he was the best fish you could ever ask for, and a consistent friend for several years.

Goodbye

I don’t even know what I’m doing.
I loved you so much,
I thought you were the greatest thing,
The most perfect thing for me.
I would have done anything,
I really would.

But now I’m letting you go,
You’re beautiful and sweet
But I feel like there isn’t much hope
I just feel like moving on.

I’m so set on this perfect person,
That I don’t look anywhere else.

But how long should I wait for the perfect circumstance?
Nothing ever seems right,
And when it does, it’s over too soon.

I’m sorry if I’m giving up on you,
But I’ve given enough time.

I still love you,
I’m just angry with myself.

See you soon.

Every Moment

Every moment
You are beautiful in my eyes.
The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

You’re smile
Is a ray of sunshine
I’ll never get tired of seeing it.
Seeing you happy
Is the most amazing thing -
I cherish every second of it,
Every smile,
Every ounce of laughter.

Your flesh taunts me
I dream of exploring you
Running my fingers and tongue
Over every nook and cranny

I love everything you have to say
I love listening to you speak
But next time
When we run out of words
I hope my lips will find yours
And we’ll think of a different
Type of thing to say.

I’m so afraid of scaring you away
So I’ll just continue to be your friend.
It’s strange
How someone could do so much to you
And never know it.

I hope he doesn’t think anything is ever about him anymore
Or that I care
Or miss him.
You almost broke me,
But you weren’t strong enough.
You were just weak and another big disappointment in my life.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

polytechnique

Fourteen women
In their youth
Defying the odds
In ways that just seem everyday.
This is their life.
For now.

But this reality is interrupted
In a sudden horrific spurt of violence
Spreading fear and death
And these women are no more.

It may be sudden
But it was built upon
An eternity of hatred
Of those that wanted to remain
The ones in power
Disrupting opportunity
Stopping it dead in its tracks.

This direct attack
Reaches me deeply
It has horrified so many
But this place,
Where it happened,
Just seems so ordinary.

Only a marble plaque on the wall
Gives any hint that it happened here.
It only tells names,
Not a story.

Yet how is this different,
Than any other tragedy
Where those that suffer
Are forgotten
The land paved over
The memories lost
And no one stops to think
About this place they stand on
This land that has seen something
Terrible beyond words.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Notes I took on 'Goya Awakend in a Dream' when I was 11 years old

Looking through my sketchbook from grade 6 art class, I found these notes on the film 'Goya Awakened in a Dream', which I can actually remember watching. I find this quite amusing:

Tuesday, April, 25th 2000.
Elley N
Artists Specials
Movie Notes
Goya Awakened in a Dream

Girl sad, because they were losing thier house. Drawing in sand. Go's to uncles house to ask if they could stay, but uncle can't help them. They go to Cathedral to pray. Goya is deaf. Girl draws on poarch. Goya takes family to country house. The magesty of Spain.

Goya gives girl art supplies. When Goya lost his hearing. he learnt to hear by seeing. Draw what you really see, not what you think you see. Ivory brings light out of the darkness.

Senor Goya was going to die, but the girl knew how to get him to take his medecine. Painted picture of Goya getting medicin

Senor Goya painted on wall. People didn't like the paintings, except the young girl, and Goya himself. They didn't want them to see the paintings, so they covered them up. The Senor uncovered them, and said that senor Goya was a mad man. Girls dreams came true, and she said that Goya helped her express her dream, and taught her to hear by seeing.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Swimming through an ocean of currents
Each one affects you in some way
Carrying you along,
Encouraging you to move forward.
But some try to hold you still
Grabbing at you and fumbling you around
Till you feel lost and afraid.
Thousands of currents,
Every single day.
Some are looked upon fondly,
Some are reassuring,
But some hit you in the wrong place.
But each one is just one of many
And I am just one of many fish.
So why does this one little current
Keep coming back to haunt me?
These two realities are worlds apart
Yet I find solace in both of them.

They reach to the depths of my heart in opposite ways,
Yet I always feel that I’m right where I'm meant to be.

I have to let go of the fear of missing out,
And see what is right in front of me.

I’ve been planning for this for so long,
But right now it doesn’t quite seem right,
It seems like something that isn’t mine,
And I don’t want to leave what I have right here.

I’ve been shown a different way,
And at first I resisted,
But now it’s beginning to feel right.

paranoia

The fear that people can see through these paper thin walls
They are visualizing my thoughts, and stealing my identity.

No word is protected,
Secrets vulnerably float about,
Afraid that at any moment,
They will no longer be secrets.

This intrusion feels forced.
Like a gust of wind messing up your hair and whipping it around,
Like someone acting against your will
When you just want it to stop,
You just want them to go away.

I rock back and forth,
Always worried that people are suspicious of me,
That they know what’s going on.

But again they don’t,
And I breathe in an air of relief.
I allow myself to fall back on my old innocence,
I’m still the same person.

As this paranoia fades,
These walls seem to grow thicker,
And once again my secrets are safe.
This most beautiful person
A shining bright light full of joy and understanding
They just wanted to see me
And I lost them.

How do I really know?
Well I don’t –
There was a lot of space and time in between
And an ocean full of lost voices
And failed communication
But I just felt a sign
Like our friendship was over.

Sorry if I ever let you down,
But I still think you’re as bright and beautiful as ever,
And I remember you with a smile.
Your simple humble way
Of being so special.

I hope I didn’t lose you forever.

Monday, May 3, 2010

When they said it wasn’t forever,
I really wanted to believe them.
But I don’t even know what tomorrow will be like,
So there’s no way I can predict this.

I hope and I pray I’m not making this worse,
But I’m afraid I may be.
I can’t even understand why
I’m not taking this as seriously as possible
But that’s just how life works,
You take it one day at a time,
And forget about the rest.

Today, tomorrow, the day after that.
I’ve already forgotten yesterday,
But this is so consistent,
It’s time to pay attention, to remember.
I miss you so much
I seem to forget who you are
And right now I remembered those few kind words
Uttered with such a gentle tone
And I remember how beautiful you really are.

You are a jewel on this earth,
Stop trying to be otherwise.
As each complication slowly erases itself from your life
And your heart heals
As people realize who you are, and you realize what you want
The day comes closer
When maybe we won’t have to think
And we’ll just be simple and true.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Fireflies

These little sparkling fireflies seemed so bright
But they only stuck around for awhile.
I’m always left sitting in the dark,
Wondering what I was thinking,
If it ever made sense,
Or if I’m just this silly lonely girl
That wants to find something real.

Why do these things seem so wonderful,
Why do I open myself up
Just to look back on it all,
And see that I let far too many things slide,
That I was a little too hopeful.

I know isolation, desperation,
Forgetting how to talk to people.
I’m afraid of letting go,
But I’m not going to survive only to hold on.

I need a fresh start,
I need to see that people can be open
And honest and trusting
That won’t let you go
That will hold on,
Just because you were worth it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

moonlight

The moon is as bright as ever,
But sometimes it doesn’t speak as clearly to me.
The stars are bright and beautiful
No matter where you are.

The dark sky scans across the earth
Sped up to a blur
Then slows down above you
Location 2.0

The same stars are twinkling
All over the earth
As you lower these blinds
And slip under the sheets
An empty heart
And a hopeless mind
I’m singing you to sleep.

We all are one,
But some of us just feel so far away.
I’m sorry for how you feel,
How I feel you might feel,
But I don’t really know.

Maybe tonight the moon is speaking to you,
So I’ll take a break and wait.
This fresh sweet air
Is dark and crisp
It’s right where it’s meant to be,
And so am I.

Friday, March 26, 2010

It’s amazing how someone can feel so much.
I’m just here from a distance
But I can feel it too.
A safe little echo,
But it resonates inside me.
I can’t even begin to image the thunderous roar
It originally was.

The way you feel, about everything,
I wish someone felt that way about me
Even for a moment.

We all deserve to live,
But some of us live more than others.
It’s just the way our minds work.
All these things I want to remember,
I delete one by one.
I was saving them to share with you
But I’ll be able to find them again later,
If I really want to.
I’m in love with a girl
With flowers in her smile
Her eyes never show what she’s feeling
But she never lies.

She’s always cool,
There’s always a smile.
Not sure what’s inside,
But I love her everyday
A little bit more.

Despite what she thinks,
She’s real and she is pure
A warm sunny day that makes you shade your eyes
A brilliant blue sky
And not a care in the world.

I really shouldn’t love you,
But I’m afraid I do.
Life is really the most amazing thing,
A story that slowly unfolds itself,
And you can never skip a page.

Looking back at these poems that I wrote,
That I poured myself into,
I was so innocent and unknowing.
I could never know what would happen,
I could only dream.

Now some time has past,
And things worked out
In a way I would have never thought possible.

This world is so amazing,
I wonder where this story will go next,
But there is no way I can know.

Tomorrow will be a new page.

fetus

Something grows inside of me
Who knows how alive it is,
Or how alive it will ever be.
I suppose the latter will be up to me.

I didn’t want this,
I didn’t ask for this,
But this is what has come.

I can feel it’s presence,
I know it is here with me.
Something is there,
Something.
But what it is,
I cannot tell.

How can I love something,
When it has sprung inside me
Without my consent?
Not knowing or caring
About what is happening in my life.

You’re contently, softly growing
I feel that you’re at peace with me,
Even though you came from him.

I’m sorry to do this to you,
But you don’t understand my life.
I do love you,
But this place isn’t right for you.

Another day, another time,
We’ll meet again
And I’ll see what you could have been.
But right now you are nothing,
And I have to bid you goodbye.

Goodnight.
Tonight my spirit will rest in peace
And I hope yours does too.
Every ounce of pain that touches you,
I feel it too.
It frustrates and taunts me
But I know that I can’t do anything.

I love you,
In more ways than you realize.
There was a time when you were all I wanted
But things have changed and I’ve realized
That maybe you aren’t as good for me
As I thought you would be.

I was never completely honest with you,
But I never lied either.
I had only the best intentions
And its better that you didn’t know how I felt.

I hate being alone
Even though it’s often what I seek.

I’m sorry for how I acted,
Or reacted.
I need to be more careful and calm down,
But sometimes being calm and careful is my problem.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just found this on my computer - it's my recollection of some dreams I had on August 28th. Here is the first dream, the other is meaningful to me but may not be as interesting to others, so I won't post it just now. I am usually good at interpreting dreams and understanding what they mean, but lately I haven't been remembering my dreams, which often happens when I am more content. It was interesting for me to stumble upon this now, since as I read it I can remember all these things, but haven't thought of it since and I doubt I would have remembered it on my own. I thought this one was funny, and not as morbidly disturbing as most of my dreams are..

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I am at some communal meeting place in town, with several members of my family. It seems there is some event going on, since there are a lot of people there. Everywhere in the sky there are people flying around in kayaks, doing tricks, spinning around, paddling through the sky. The kayakers are not putting on a show and are not part of the event, they are simply up in the sky having fun, just like on any day, yet it seems I am witnessing this bizarre occurrence for the first time. I wonder how they can all be flying around and doing such elaborate spins and turns without flying into each other, then I realize it’s the same as kayaking in the water, where I generally don’t have much trouble, so this must be exactly the same. (However, I have never seen so many kayakers at once in the water, or doing synchronized flips).

Myself and some family members are standing under a tree, talking about something that I’m not really into, and I think we had some luggage with us resting on the ground. There is a small group of girls kayaking in the air above us, they are much lower in the sky than everyone else and they seem to be having some trouble. One keeps swearing and diving lower towards us, almost hitting us, and I suggest to the people I’m with that we move. No one else seems to be concerned though.

We leave on a boat to go home, and I have some vague recollection of some ordeal going on, I don’t remember what it was. When we get home, I go the washroom to have a shower. The washroom is exactly like the laundry room at the house I grew up in, but the shower is where the closet was. It isn’t actually my house though, I think we are at a family member’s house. I pick up a cardboard box containing four pre-prepared meals, and decide which one to eat. The white box has a square divided into four displaying a picture of each meal. The options are rice with lentils, something else with yellow corn, falafel, and I’m not sure what the fourth one was. All are served on a wholewheat tortilla. None of them appealed to me at all, but I decided to go with the falafel. Some cute guy was there and he handed it to me in the shower, I think I was still wearing clothes. I proceed to eat my dinner in the shower, while the water is running, but felt bad about wasting water and think it would make more sense to just eat the food once I am done having the shower. That’s the point of shower dinners though, you’re supposed to eat them in the shower. It’s just like a tv dinner, but it’s meant to be eaten in the shower as to save time when you’re in a hurry to get ready. I remember I used to eat them all the time when I was younger, but now the idea seemed repulsive and wasteful to me and the food was making me feel sick. It still takes the same amount of time to eat the food, so you might as well not eat in the shower with the water running.

People were walking around (mostly family members I think) and they were all acting disdainful that I was eating dinner in the shower. I got defensive and said “it’s a shower dinner. You’re supposed to eat it in the shower, that’s the whole point, people do it all the time”, but really I was just playing devils advocate and I thought the idea was ridiculous myself.
This truth screams so loud
Yet so far has kept quiet
Hiding behind housecoats
And crouched deep in closets.

I know I don’t have to hide
So why do I choose to?

To speak something aloud
Is to make it real
I know this is real
And you know it too
So who is the one
Who wants to keep it silent?

Is it the grandmother,
Who is not used to such ideas?
Or the ones who preach the bible
But waste their time lingering
On this identity that they deny.

Why do people hide?
Who are we hiding from?
Not myself-
Not you-
Not them-
I guess I’m just trying to stay
In a place I know is safe.

I know who I am,
And I am happy.
Despite what you may think,
I wouldn’t change if I could.

some things you never forget...

It’s strange how I can still speak to you
As if it never happened.
I’m so glad that I can -
I mean, it was so long ago
That I don’t make the connection.

The years I was afraid are over.
I’m strong now,
I wouldn’t put up with shit like that.
But the other night I was so scared,
And I remembered how I felt.
Alone, and vulnerable,
Not knowing what would happen
And not being able to do anything about it.

I know what it’s like to be weak and confused
And too scared to ever say anything
Because someone will find out.

That’s why you don’t excersize power over others.
Because it ruins them.

Friday, March 19, 2010

If I could ever only know one thing,
This seems like the best.
Your heart is in the right place.

You’ve spent your life knowing such things,
And how have I spent mine?
My heart is not cold
But my head is somewhere else.
My heart is endlessly generous, but only as a friend.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Your hate is like a caged bird on fire

Hate must come
From a place so deep inside
That you cannot escape it.

A spiralling black hole
That sucks you in
And once you tumble down
You can’t climb back out.

It comes from a place
That I never want to visit
A place I’ve heard of
But so far haven’t seen.

I will try to stay as far away
As possible.
Anger is not the same as hate.

Once you’ve done something like this
You can never look back
I hope you understand how terrible
How completely awful and evil
Your actions have been.

But I forgive you,
And I hope others can too.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I love so many people, so much.
I think I’ve come to conclusions
Of how great everyone is
Far too quickly.

I’ve been disappointed too many times lately..
Please don’t walk all over me,
You make me feel unsafe.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

She made me so mad just now,
As I’m reading through your memories.
I was there when they happened,
But this time around they seem so pure.

You opened your heart to her
But she grabbed it selfishly
And tossed it aside.
I’ll pick it off the curb and hand it back to you.
I think it needs some time,
Before I could ever expect it to find me.

Your treasure chest of memories are cherished,
But I know they hurt you.
Maybe its time to throw away the key,
For awhile.

Friday, March 5, 2010

fresh air

The world seems new again when I think about you
Things I’ve lost don’t seem to matter.
The dawn is fresh and a new world awaits,
One I’m eager to step into.

Something about you is remarkably special
You embody an energy that is not of this earth.
Something I haven’t felt here,
But somewhere else.
Take me there again.

The sky looks extra blue today,
Let’s take a walk in its pulse.
The world can be put on pause
Because you mean more than I knew could be real.
I have this perfect memory of you,
and its all I want to remember.
You were this light shining in on my life,
Awakening a newfound sense of joy.

Such brightness can be felt from here.

Thursday, January 7, 2010