innocent conversation

Sometimes when we’re talking
About the most innocent things,
I want to walk over
And take you in my arms.
Kiss your lips softly
And whisper in your ear
How I feel.

But I won’t.

I’ll just smile,
And keep talking,
Then walk away.

I think I love you
But I’m not the only one.

no one knows

As much as I don’t like definitions,
Sometimes they make things so much easier.

People just know things,
They know their entire life.

They may be different than everyone else,
But at least they know.

There aren’t always concrete answers.
Even though I don’t think we should have to define it -
Sometimes I wish I just knew.

I feel like I don’t know who I am.

I change all the time,
It isn’t really normal,
But I know I’m not the only one.

I wish you were here,
To make it seem real.
Then it would be okay,
It wouldn’t just be an idea floating in my head.

You must be one of the craziest people I’ve ever met
Totally unreliable and impractical
But I wish I knew more people like you,
I really do.

Splash

sea shell

I am a shell, slowly breaking
Until what’s left inside
Is the same as I was before.

Soft and easily bruised
But harder to break than I think.

That place I love
Might be my shell
But really it’s the only place
Where I can break free
And am happy with myself.

With this crusty layered shell,
I don’t need to be afraid
I don’t have to protect myself
I don’t hold back.

Take me away, but don’t let me change
Let it build back up
As quickly as it first came

Asterisks

An old calendar picture, tea wrappers, a chocolate bar wrapper and some peta materials get transformed into something new..

Her eyes gleam like fire
Hair tangled with thorns
Lips blood red
Not a trace of lipstick.

Clean dirt collecting under nails
Proof of contact with this earth.
Skin lightly dusted with fragrant soil
Smeared on lined cheeks.

She looks to the sky,
And I know she is angry.
But she also knows love.

Second Chance

When I think of all the bad decisions I’ve made
And the people I’ve ignored
A pang of regret stabs at my heart,
Then I realize it’s still okay.

The earth is still turning
My heart is still beating
We’re still alive, still here
The future is our second chance.

Friday Night nerd show

Nov 5th Day of Action

I just realized that it might have actually been my friend that took these pictures..

Things won't always be this way

I’m sorry for how you feel
I wish I knew more
And at the same time I don’t.
I simply think you’re wonderful,
Your soul a jewel on this earth.

For someone so sweet and perfect,
You don’t deserve to feel that way,
Ever.
But that’s just the way things are,
Everybody does sometimes.
I’m just sorry it had to be you,
Right now.

But later it will be better,
I promise.

I can’t say that I love you,
But please know that I care.

Sleep tight,
Tomorrow is a new day.

Some things are too pretty to throw away

Individually wrapped tea is one of my pet peeves. It just seems extremely wasteful to process paper and then throw it in the recycling right away, especially when you drink the amount of tea that I do. I wasn't expecting this box of tea to be individually wrapped and was dissapointed that it was, but the wrappers were so pretty that I saved them, and later ended up using them as the border for this picture which started as a little doodle with a green pen.

This painting, which I have previously featured on this blog, went missing. I have a bunch of paintings stacked on top of each other on my desk leaning against the wall, for lack of any other way to display them, and they all fell over a couple weeks ago. I put them back, and didn't notice until later that one of them wasn't there. Well, today they all fell over again, and that's when I noticed that the missing painting was stuck on the back of one of my other paintings, caught underneath the wooden frame. Mystery solved!

On a different kind of night

Lightning bolts thrash through the sky
From heaven to earth,
Not an inch is missed.
Wolves howl with glee
And pace back and forth.

Owls hoot and shake their wings
Deer leap over fences
Which divide stolen field from stolen field.

Lab rats scratch at their prison walls
Rabbits twitch their noses in anticipation
Calves break through crates
And return to their mothers.

Race horses run with no one telling them to do so.

Rain pours down all around us
Collecting deeply on the ground
Ducks waddle out and splash away
Snails crawl across pavement without being stepped on.

The power is out,
Cars pull over to the side of the road
And break down upon instinct.
Their metals remember where they came from
And sense that their time is up.
Oil remembers the dinosaurs,
And see the carnivores around them
Going extinct again.

The sound of silence
Is slowly replaced
By one of life.

People are afraid to go out at night,
Without any lights.
The air smells fresh and wild,
It’s time to take back what is ours.

Imagine a world you would love to live in

I want to go to sleep at night
And wake up when the sun rises.
I want to harvest my food from the soil
and know the earth as a friend.

I want to get my knowledge from my friends.
I want to learn from life,
Not an institution.
I want to know love,
But not need or reliance.

I want no government,
No laws or business.
I don’t want to buy anything from anybody
I don’t want to be plugged in.

I want to live where things aren’t defined.
No time, no clocks or schedules
No deadlines
No need to rush.

I want to go to a place I once knew
A place without doors locking me in.
I have no one to keep out,
So let the sun shine,
Let the wind blow,
Let bugs find a home in my room.

I want to go to a place
With paths, not roads
Where cars are alien
Where nature comes first
Where people are free
And animals roam like the wind.

I want to go to a place,
Where friends don’t just visit,
But stay.
Where electricity doesn’t magically appear
But we see where it comes from.

I want to drink water from a spring that never knows a bottle
Eat food that has never touched plastic
Live on land that has never been dominated with chemicals
That has never been destroyed.

I want to be where trees tell stories,
Where their knowledge is respected and sung
Where food grows with pleasure and joy

I want to live with no boundaries
Where power only exists in the liberation of being free
Where art is everything around you
Where birds create music.

I want to live.

I never want to own land,
I just want to set it free.

Your heart only knows sadness
The only ‘love’ you know is pain
You’ve been hurt too many times
I understand why you’re afraid.

I hate to see you so upset,
It’s okay to be angry you know.
Please understand that more exists
Not everyone is so cruel.

Let me set your heart free,
I won’t hold it too tightly.
I won’t squeeze it greedily
Or try to force it to be like my own.
I won’t starve it or stuff it
I won’t try to own it
I won’t call it mine
I won’t steal it from you
I won’t cut it or damage it
I won’t try to make it small.

I’ll let it chose its own path
All I’ll do is love it,
Let it know that I care
Then hold it up upon my palm
And release it to the sky.
It’ll know what to do,
It’ll take things from there.

nougat tastes like roasted marshmallows. Amazing!

Lifetime Aspirations

I have a little green book, with a picture of a cat riding a cow on the front of it, that I bought 5 years ago. I use it just to write down random things, (in no order, I just open it to any random page and write things down). Last night I decided to look through it. Inside there is my election speech for band fundraiser, my campaign notes for an idling ban, notes from a court case I went to, 2 floor plans of the courtroom, to-do lists, packing lists, food logs, poems, notes from meetings and presentations, etc.

One page had this list on it:

-live/work on a sheep farm
-record a techno album
-ride bike to Toronto

That's all the page said, no header or explaination, just those three things. It made me laugh at how random it was, but when I thought of it, I realized it was just last month that I wrote this list, when I was thinking of things I want to do in my lifetime. Of course there is more I want to add, but these aspirations are as worthy as any, and if someone just told me that they did those three things during their lifetime, I would still think that they had a pretty interesting life.

Here I am,
Sitting in my room,
With this secret exploding in my head.
I can’t tell anyone, even if I want to.
‘cause I know its not a good idea, and I’ll regret it right away.
I know exactly how that regret will feel,
And it will be of the worst kind.

So I’ll keep sitting here,
Trying to decide what to do.
The best thing, I think,
Is to do nothing.
No one will ever know,
And if I change my mind,
I am safe.

Wood Nymph

On the rock sat a girl
With roses in her eyes
And smiles in her hair.

With twinkles in her toes
And dancing in her hands.

Her eyes are big and brown
They blink and glisten in the light.
They are soft and kind but fiery,
They know what they desire.

kin-gar der-den

When I say I love poetry
I really mean
That I love reading poetry

I love writing it too,
But I hate that I need to.
It only comes to me
When everything is wrong
And I just can’t escape it.

Reading through all the poems I’ve written
Is really like reading through a journal
Of the worst days of your life.

Sometimes I find the beauty in it,
But most of the time I can’t.

The truth is not a fact

I am not searching for the truth,
Just something that is real.
That is, something I can understand,
Something I can feel.

If something is honest and strikingly so,
It has meaning on more than one level.
It is pure, it is flowing
It is fluid and free
If it is even some of these things
Than it’s just the thing for me.

You see, the truth, it’s just a lie
That is, it doesn’t exist.
What I’m looking for is meaning,
Far beyond this false myth.

Purple Mountain Majesty

City bird, don't fly away

Guess what these directions are for

Step one: hold under running water for 3.5 seconds while rotating. Ensure each side gets touched by water. (this step is skipped by most, but is mostly necessary according to my standards. Especially if you decide to go with the alternative to step five.)

Step two: Place on a plate

Step three: Pick up newly acquired half knife half spoon

Step four: Slice in half (with knife end)

Step five: scoop flesh using spoon end

Step six: place in mouth

Step seven: chew, enjoy smooth texture and sweet taste

Step eight: swallow



Alternative to step four: Struggle to slice through flesh using spoon. Will result in a jagged and rough result, but if half spoon half knife is not available, it saves using two utensils.

Alternative to step five: place in mouth and bite. Will alter step seven to a dry, rough hairy texture mixed with a sweet taste and smooth moist texture. If half spoon half knife is not available, this will save using two utensils.

Alternative to step eight: Do not swallow. Leave sweetness in mouth forever.

Cosmic Journey

Quotes from a three year old

"Do you know what his name is? When he’s dressed up, his name is Spiderman, and when he’s not dressed up, his name is Peter."

Several times in reference to superheroes (Spiderman, Superman, Batman): "That's the guy that owns the costume."

"Did you ever ride on a turtle? We should do that."

Pointing to whole coffee beans on the floor - "Are those baby turtles?"

"Do you remember that time when it was night-time and all the stores were closed? That was weird, wasn't it."

3 year old: "Let's see what they're building here"
Me: "A big, big house"
3 year old: "For everyone to live in! They must be having lots of guests over."

At the shoe store: "I'm going to get expensive ones."


Little kids are AWESOME.

Communal Living

Today, upon coming home from a sunny hike, I wrote the manifesto for an ecological communal housing co-operative that I would like to start. It's something that's been on my mind the past couple years and I finally wrote down some guidelines. Today all the specifics came to me one after another, so I grabbed a notepad, sat outside on the back porch, and wrote them all down. For once I was actually able to remember every single thing I had thought of. The purpose of the co-operative is to provide sustainable housing that is (for the most part) self sufficient, anti-capitalist, fulfilling, and community engaging. Not only would it have very low environmental impact, but it would allow people to escape the 'rat race' that overcomes so many, removing financial stress and competition.

It allows people to live meaningful lives and flourish within a caring community that provides the needs of all its members. My ideas are nothing special and are already in practice in many areas of the world, but I just wrote ideas for a model that could work in an urban setting such as Toronto.

Now, my question for myself is, which route will I take? Will I band together with like minded individuals and make this a reality, or will I become focused on my career and become too comfortable to make any drastic changes with my life? Only the future will tell.

Mindfulness

What seems so exasperating and far away
Always ends up being so simple.
I need to control myself,
Or my quick action will make me a fool
Once again.

Blinding headlights from opposing lanes
This brightness wasn’t meant to exist at night
I want it to go away.
This startling headache makes my eyes roll back
Barely able to see straight, yet I blame it on my neck.

Something always hurts,
So I guess it doesn’t really matter what it is
This time.

Tomorrow will be back to normal again
Not that normal ever existed.
Back to tomorrows past,
Back to the future.

Glimpses here and there shine through
The sun awakens over the horizon
This blinking neon sign
Doesn’t seem so bright
It pales in comparison
To the greatness arising before us.

Clouds lined in silver dapple the sky
Once again I seem to be wrong
But I’m actually right all along through
I just shouldn’t doubt my instincts anymore.
A mind caught on fire
Is a dangerous one.

A mind that isn’t safe
Is always a careful one.

and..
A calm mind with no apprehension
Is the most frightening of all.

No, not that either

I’m not cold
I’m not warm

I’m not happy I’m not sad
I’m not sincere I’m not lying
I’m not living I’m not dying
I’m not here I’m not gone

I don’t love I don’t hate
I don’t sin I’m not pure
I don’t listen I don’t ignore
I don’t embrace I don’t dismiss

I don’t smile I don’t frown
I don’t sleep I don’t wake
I don’t captivate I don’t bore
I don’t breathe I don’t snore

I’m not mean I’m not nice
I’m not rich I’m not poor
I’m not confident I’m not timid
I don’t suffocate I don’t flourish

I don’t scream I don’t squeak
I’m not me I’m just here
Don’t ask me a thing
Cause I just don’t know

Jumble of 'art', and a strawberry pineapple

Peanut Butter Banana Cookies

Today, as I was looking for peanut butter cookie recipes online, my neice asked if we could make peanut butter cookies. Which is interesting considering that the other day when I was sitting on the couch thinking about decorating gingerbread people, she asked if we could make gingerbread cookies.

I found a great recipe on the FatFree Vegan Kitchen website, and made a few changes.
Here's the version I made:
1/2 cup peanut butter
3/4 cup demerara sugar
3/4 cup mashed organic banana
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 pinch salt

Mix together peanut butter, sugar and banana.

In separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder and salt.
Add slowly to peanut butter mixture.
Rub a bit of margarine on baking sheet, and flatten cookies with a fork dipped in water.

Bake at 375 for 10 minutes.

Super easy to make, and uses only simple/common ingredients. The cookies don't have a heavy peanut butter taste, and the flavour of the banana is nicely prominent.




See the original recipe at:
http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2008/12/lower-fat-peanut-butter-banana-cookies.html

On another note, the house I'm staying at right now has these large glass baking pans, so I've been using them instead of cookie sheets. They are great for baking both meals and desserts. I just coat them in a little bit of margarine, which in my opinion is a much healthier alternative then Teflon coated cookie sheets. Non-stick cookware contains PFOA (Perfluoroctanoic Acid), an unregulated chemical that is in the bloodstream of 95% of Americans. PFOA is a man-made chemical, and although it doesn't naturally occur in the environment, it has been found in the systems of many types of animals, even in remote locations.

Teflon can be found in all kinds of other products as well, including carpets, clothes, and even food packaging. Even if it is safe, it isn't necessary, so it's better just to avoid it altogether. The amount of fat it takes to prevent other types of cookware from sticking is minimal, and is not enough to actually make any significant changes in the fat content of the food.

My first Haiku

Warm tea satisfies
Warms my mood and soothes each sense
A perfect comfort

Palestinian families evicted

Fifty-three Palestinians were evicted from their homes in East Jerusalem to make room for Jewish families who claimed the houses belong to them. The Palestinian families had been living there for over 50 years.

The decision came from a ruling by Israel's Supreme Court. East Jerusalem was part of Palestine before Israel annexed it and started building Jewish settlements there. Although Israel thinks that East Jerusalem is their land, this is widely contested and not internationally recognized. So should the decision really have been made by Israel's Supreme Court?

This cleary is a legal issue in which families were exploited in order to push Israel's oppressive nationalist agenda. The families were evicted because of their religion, by the court of a government that sees one religion as superior to another. Argue with me if you will, but that's what aparteid is. It's about power and superiority. It's never about peace.

Riot police performed the evacuation and protesters were arrested. The families (including many children) are now homeless. Homeless because other families, whose religion is preferred by the country that stole this land, are given priority over the people who called those houses their homes and raised their families there.

It's hard to know who really owned the houses, but this brings into question squatters rights and what ownership actually means. I define ownership as belonging to whoever is using something and needs it. In this case, initial financial ownership was the justification for this move. So who really 'owns' the house, or deserves to live in it - someone who has lived there for 50 years and whose children were born in the house, or someone who hasn't lived there for 50 years?

Some details are missing, such as where the Jewish family was living before the move, and how long they have been fighting this court case for.

http://news.sympatico.msn.ctv.ca/abc/home/contentposting.aspx?isfa=1&feedname=CTV-TOPSTORIES_V3&showbyline=True&date=true&newsitemid=CTVNews%2f20090802%2fpalestinians_evicted_090802

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8180743.stm

Schmap Montreal

Schmap guides, online maps that allow you to see pictures and reviews of destinations, just released the eight edition of their guide to Montreal. They featured one of my photos for their section on Montreal's gay village. Click on my photo and it will take you to my flickr page. Check it out at:
http://www.schmap.com/montreal/sights_thevillage/#p=34142&i=34142_3.jpg

Crow Meditations

Today, after rising out of bed a little late (acceptable considering I’ve been quite tired lately and today was my day off), I tripped and fell face down on the floor as soon as I got up. Which to me seemed like a bad start to the day. Generally I find sleeping in to be terribly depressing. It doesn’t make sense, but if I wake up and it’s late, I am so upset that I have missed part of the day that I cannot find the strength to get out of bed, I just lie in despair and waste more of the day away. This summer I haven’t been sleeping in as late, due in part to the noise caused by having a three year old in the house, and also due to the fact that my concepts of time have changed slightly, as tiredness seems to settle in during the earlier hours of the evening, and my concept of what is late is shifted forward a bit.

It’s hard to imagine that one of the most beautiful hiking trails in the world can begin to seem tedious, but after hiking the same trail everyday it isn’t quite as exciting anymore. Not that I have lost my appreciation for it, because I am still just as enthusiastic as ever about the beauty of the trail and still find the inspiration to go there often. I guess my appreciation has just shifted over to a more softer enthusiasm, enjoying it not as something new but something that has become a bit older and weathered in my experience.

Today I was excited once again to hike a section of the trail that I had not done for a couple weeks. I was happy to get out and get some excersize and fresh air, and leisurely made my way over to the beach, picking thimbleberries all the way. I sat down on a driftwood log, looking out on the fresh ocean and still water separated by dark weathered rocks. I closed my eyes and sat still, clearing my mind and reaching a peaceful state but not trying to block thoughts from occurring. I opened my eyes every once in a while, just to survey my surroundings and appreciate the visual beauty that comes with the peaceful sounds and touch of ocean air.

I saw a crow, happily searching the ground for food and hopping about. It seemed perfectly content in what it was doing, enjoying this simple act that is nothing more than ordinary and everyday. This came across as a sort of epiphany to give me perspective on how I have been feeling about my life lately. I’ve felt at times throughout the summer that I’m not doing much with my life right now and aren’t accomplishing anything, which is not only a harsh judgement to give myself considering it is summer and I’m going back to school in the fall, but I also know that it isn’t completely true. I suppose a slower pace just takes some getting used to. I have always felt that people can do incredible things, and hope to do amazing things in my life. Not necessarily fame or hero worthy, but things that are fulfilling, inspiring, and leave a positive impact.

I’ve always admired animals for their simplicity. Birds are happiest just being birds, flying around and being free. Animals love to run, to just live out their lives in their natural habitat. I’ve seen expressions of pure glee on creatures of all sorts just doing what they know best, from galloping up a hill, splashing in a puddle, frolicking in the meadow, animals just need to be left to their own devices and they will be happy. Not to say that I think all animals of any one species are all the same, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Individual animals still express differences and individuality, but not in the sense of being unhappy with who they are. Beyond basic means of survival, there are no responsibilities to fulfill, no competition for money, fame or success, and no constant striving for more. Animals know how to just be.

Although I have always been aware of this, seeing the crow, and another that flew over to join it, served as a quiet reminder. It made me think of my own position right now, and how a quiet and peaceful existence isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although I don’t think people should give up ambition for consistency, I do think that most people are doing some admirable. I admire grandparents, parents, friends, anyone who shares an enthusiasm for life and for others. People’s kindness and compassion for others is the greatest inspiration I know.

And sometimes an elusive crow, just simply being and minding its own business, can be a peaceful reminder that not everything in life has to be big.

Postcards from a faraway place (located within my lateral orbitofrontal cortex)

Watercolour, marker, calligraphy pen, and india ink on watercolour paper.


Watercolour and india ink on watercolour paper.


Watercolour, acrylic, and metallic pigmented ink on watercolour paper.


Watercolour and marker on watercolour paper.


Watercolour, calligraphy ink, and india ink on watercolour paper.


Watercolour on watercolour paper.


Ink on paper. This is the only one that isn't a postcard, the rest will possibly someday travel in the mail to reach some special people.