Friday, March 26, 2010

It’s amazing how someone can feel so much.
I’m just here from a distance
But I can feel it too.
A safe little echo,
But it resonates inside me.
I can’t even begin to image the thunderous roar
It originally was.

The way you feel, about everything,
I wish someone felt that way about me
Even for a moment.

We all deserve to live,
But some of us live more than others.
It’s just the way our minds work.
All these things I want to remember,
I delete one by one.
I was saving them to share with you
But I’ll be able to find them again later,
If I really want to.
I’m in love with a girl
With flowers in her smile
Her eyes never show what she’s feeling
But she never lies.

She’s always cool,
There’s always a smile.
Not sure what’s inside,
But I love her everyday
A little bit more.

Despite what she thinks,
She’s real and she is pure
A warm sunny day that makes you shade your eyes
A brilliant blue sky
And not a care in the world.

I really shouldn’t love you,
But I’m afraid I do.
Life is really the most amazing thing,
A story that slowly unfolds itself,
And you can never skip a page.

Looking back at these poems that I wrote,
That I poured myself into,
I was so innocent and unknowing.
I could never know what would happen,
I could only dream.

Now some time has past,
And things worked out
In a way I would have never thought possible.

This world is so amazing,
I wonder where this story will go next,
But there is no way I can know.

Tomorrow will be a new page.


Something grows inside of me
Who knows how alive it is,
Or how alive it will ever be.
I suppose the latter will be up to me.

I didn’t want this,
I didn’t ask for this,
But this is what has come.

I can feel it’s presence,
I know it is here with me.
Something is there,
But what it is,
I cannot tell.

How can I love something,
When it has sprung inside me
Without my consent?
Not knowing or caring
About what is happening in my life.

You’re contently, softly growing
I feel that you’re at peace with me,
Even though you came from him.

I’m sorry to do this to you,
But you don’t understand my life.
I do love you,
But this place isn’t right for you.

Another day, another time,
We’ll meet again
And I’ll see what you could have been.
But right now you are nothing,
And I have to bid you goodbye.

Tonight my spirit will rest in peace
And I hope yours does too.
Every ounce of pain that touches you,
I feel it too.
It frustrates and taunts me
But I know that I can’t do anything.

I love you,
In more ways than you realize.
There was a time when you were all I wanted
But things have changed and I’ve realized
That maybe you aren’t as good for me
As I thought you would be.

I was never completely honest with you,
But I never lied either.
I had only the best intentions
And its better that you didn’t know how I felt.

I hate being alone
Even though it’s often what I seek.

I’m sorry for how I acted,
Or reacted.
I need to be more careful and calm down,
But sometimes being calm and careful is my problem.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just found this on my computer - it's my recollection of some dreams I had on August 28th. Here is the first dream, the other is meaningful to me but may not be as interesting to others, so I won't post it just now. I am usually good at interpreting dreams and understanding what they mean, but lately I haven't been remembering my dreams, which often happens when I am more content. It was interesting for me to stumble upon this now, since as I read it I can remember all these things, but haven't thought of it since and I doubt I would have remembered it on my own. I thought this one was funny, and not as morbidly disturbing as most of my dreams are..


I am at some communal meeting place in town, with several members of my family. It seems there is some event going on, since there are a lot of people there. Everywhere in the sky there are people flying around in kayaks, doing tricks, spinning around, paddling through the sky. The kayakers are not putting on a show and are not part of the event, they are simply up in the sky having fun, just like on any day, yet it seems I am witnessing this bizarre occurrence for the first time. I wonder how they can all be flying around and doing such elaborate spins and turns without flying into each other, then I realize it’s the same as kayaking in the water, where I generally don’t have much trouble, so this must be exactly the same. (However, I have never seen so many kayakers at once in the water, or doing synchronized flips).

Myself and some family members are standing under a tree, talking about something that I’m not really into, and I think we had some luggage with us resting on the ground. There is a small group of girls kayaking in the air above us, they are much lower in the sky than everyone else and they seem to be having some trouble. One keeps swearing and diving lower towards us, almost hitting us, and I suggest to the people I’m with that we move. No one else seems to be concerned though.

We leave on a boat to go home, and I have some vague recollection of some ordeal going on, I don’t remember what it was. When we get home, I go the washroom to have a shower. The washroom is exactly like the laundry room at the house I grew up in, but the shower is where the closet was. It isn’t actually my house though, I think we are at a family member’s house. I pick up a cardboard box containing four pre-prepared meals, and decide which one to eat. The white box has a square divided into four displaying a picture of each meal. The options are rice with lentils, something else with yellow corn, falafel, and I’m not sure what the fourth one was. All are served on a wholewheat tortilla. None of them appealed to me at all, but I decided to go with the falafel. Some cute guy was there and he handed it to me in the shower, I think I was still wearing clothes. I proceed to eat my dinner in the shower, while the water is running, but felt bad about wasting water and think it would make more sense to just eat the food once I am done having the shower. That’s the point of shower dinners though, you’re supposed to eat them in the shower. It’s just like a tv dinner, but it’s meant to be eaten in the shower as to save time when you’re in a hurry to get ready. I remember I used to eat them all the time when I was younger, but now the idea seemed repulsive and wasteful to me and the food was making me feel sick. It still takes the same amount of time to eat the food, so you might as well not eat in the shower with the water running.

People were walking around (mostly family members I think) and they were all acting disdainful that I was eating dinner in the shower. I got defensive and said “it’s a shower dinner. You’re supposed to eat it in the shower, that’s the whole point, people do it all the time”, but really I was just playing devils advocate and I thought the idea was ridiculous myself.
This truth screams so loud
Yet so far has kept quiet
Hiding behind housecoats
And crouched deep in closets.

I know I don’t have to hide
So why do I choose to?

To speak something aloud
Is to make it real
I know this is real
And you know it too
So who is the one
Who wants to keep it silent?

Is it the grandmother,
Who is not used to such ideas?
Or the ones who preach the bible
But waste their time lingering
On this identity that they deny.

Why do people hide?
Who are we hiding from?
Not myself-
Not you-
Not them-
I guess I’m just trying to stay
In a place I know is safe.

I know who I am,
And I am happy.
Despite what you may think,
I wouldn’t change if I could.

some things you never forget...

It’s strange how I can still speak to you
As if it never happened.
I’m so glad that I can -
I mean, it was so long ago
That I don’t make the connection.

The years I was afraid are over.
I’m strong now,
I wouldn’t put up with shit like that.
But the other night I was so scared,
And I remembered how I felt.
Alone, and vulnerable,
Not knowing what would happen
And not being able to do anything about it.

I know what it’s like to be weak and confused
And too scared to ever say anything
Because someone will find out.

That’s why you don’t excersize power over others.
Because it ruins them.

Friday, March 19, 2010

If I could ever only know one thing,
This seems like the best.
Your heart is in the right place.

You’ve spent your life knowing such things,
And how have I spent mine?
My heart is not cold
But my head is somewhere else.
My heart is endlessly generous, but only as a friend.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Your hate is like a caged bird on fire

Hate must come
From a place so deep inside
That you cannot escape it.

A spiralling black hole
That sucks you in
And once you tumble down
You can’t climb back out.

It comes from a place
That I never want to visit
A place I’ve heard of
But so far haven’t seen.

I will try to stay as far away
As possible.
Anger is not the same as hate.

Once you’ve done something like this
You can never look back
I hope you understand how terrible
How completely awful and evil
Your actions have been.

But I forgive you,
And I hope others can too.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I love so many people, so much.
I think I’ve come to conclusions
Of how great everyone is
Far too quickly.

I’ve been disappointed too many times lately..
Please don’t walk all over me,
You make me feel unsafe.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

She made me so mad just now,
As I’m reading through your memories.
I was there when they happened,
But this time around they seem so pure.

You opened your heart to her
But she grabbed it selfishly
And tossed it aside.
I’ll pick it off the curb and hand it back to you.
I think it needs some time,
Before I could ever expect it to find me.

Your treasure chest of memories are cherished,
But I know they hurt you.
Maybe its time to throw away the key,
For awhile.

Friday, March 5, 2010

fresh air

The world seems new again when I think about you
Things I’ve lost don’t seem to matter.
The dawn is fresh and a new world awaits,
One I’m eager to step into.

Something about you is remarkably special
You embody an energy that is not of this earth.
Something I haven’t felt here,
But somewhere else.
Take me there again.

The sky looks extra blue today,
Let’s take a walk in its pulse.
The world can be put on pause
Because you mean more than I knew could be real.
I have this perfect memory of you,
and its all I want to remember.
You were this light shining in on my life,
Awakening a newfound sense of joy.

Such brightness can be felt from here.