Caught Between

Remember to breathe, I think to myself.
I suddenly notice my parched throat
My brain and body on malfunction mode
A drink of water feels so good, but it’s all I want now.
Nothing else will even begin to satisfy.

My life seems filled with water these days
Rain the only thing that makes my life seem real
The cold the only thing that can clear my mind
My face is constantly rained on by tears
There’s no umbrella that can keep them away for long

I’m surprised by my lack of appetite
Yes, I suppose I should eat now
That’s what people generally do at this time
Not that I was ever in synch with them in the first place.
Later I’m proud of myself for eating an apple
Since when is that something to be proud of?
It’ll make things easier for now,
Being gone so long each day
Carrying around so much food would be a pain.

I can only imagine how you felt
I had no clue when we started that it had been that way
There’s a lot I didn’t know about you I guess
Not that you’ve disappointed me in any way
Everything about you seems to make sense and fit in place
With some little surprises still tucked in here and there.
I like all of it,
Or most of it at least.
Most is always enough.

Please realize though that things aren’t the same this time
Don’t measure this on a scale.
Things will not turn out the same way,
There’s no way that they could.
Please don’t be afraid,
There’s nothing to be scared of.

We’re still two different separate people
And we always will be
I wouldn’t have it any other way
So why do you think I’m trying to take that away?
I haven’t done anything to allude to that
I’ve even been careful
The only thing I’ve done is allowed myself to expect
That at least something would continue from this
Something reasonable to expect from any relationship of any kind
I wouldn’t gear myself up for each time to be the last time
And there is no reason why it should be.

The way things were the last time I saw you,
It’s all so vivid.
I remember the way my clothes felt,
Their fabric, texture and fit
The way my hair hung
The way my skin and scalp felt
The way your mouth felt
Your smooth skin
My fingers tangled in your soft, greasy hair
The way I felt you were feeling
The way I felt myself.
It’s all still so clear to me
Do you even remember at all?

I’m not sure you do,
Or maybe you do too well
And are trying to forget.
Either way,
Things shouldn’t have gone from
That to this
I deserve better
At least I’d like to think I do
But if only I feel that way,
Then maybe I’m wrong.

If only I could go back for a moment
I wouldn’t change a thing
I’m not sure where things went wrong since then
But I don’t think it had anything to do with me
I did what I thought you wanted and gave you some space
Maybe I should have held on more
But I respect you more than that.

I cannot believe that this perfect memory
Is the last one I have
I was expecting so many more to follow
And maybe some will
But is it even worth it to you?
I’m not sure you think it is.

You don’t stop tobogganing
Just because the snow is going to melt soon
You don’t stay home today
In case you might not be able to have fun tomorrow
So why cut off something before need be?
Why even live today if you might be gone tomorrow
Well, all the more reason to live then
Today is still your friend!