Many sides, same story.

Nothing quite seems real any more
I’m desperate but so distant.
No one has really noticed though,
Or they’re just too afraid to say anything.
I’m grateful, actually
It almost makes me feel normal.

I can’t look at anyone in the same way.
This woman, sitting across the table
Sure, she’s a staff member
I don’t even know how much she cares about this.
It is her job, I know, maybe nothing more than that.
She is practical and sensible,
Willing to do what is needed
Not lazy, not passionate either
Not sure who or what she is.
But how does she feel right now?
Is she hiding something too?
Maybe she feels some pain and is pushing it aside
She must have at some point in her life
And now she is fine,
Or at least fine enough to function like this,
So I can get over this too.
Everyone has, and everyone will.
Everyone can.
I’m crazy to think I’m alone in this,
From now on I’ll have more sympathy for everyone.
I know how it feels.

Maybe they all can see right through me.
I hesitate to speak out,
I don’t want to give myself away.
Next time, I’ll be more useful.
Not that next time will be for awhile,
And I haven’t proved to be of much use yet.

It kinda seems silly,
These formalities,
But I guess it’s nice that someone is taking us seriously.

Seems I never know quite how to act,
Not that I care too much,
But I’ve lost the ability to judge a situation.
What type of thing would one be expected to do?
Is this even appropriate?
I’m not dressed for the occasion,
For any occasion.
But it’s not like it matters,
I like people who choose their own way.

This is my way, I guess
No, I know! I just don’t even think about it to notice what it is.
It’s often different,
But it’s always the same
It’s just one of the many sides that add up.

There’s one place where I can be anything,
And am everything true to myself.
Another where I don’t really care,
I just don’t like it there that much.
And another where I’m striving for more
But I’ve finally settled down and stopped trying.
I’m setting my own way, again.

Which of these spaces is really me,
This one, surely, yes.
This is what I love and chose,
It’s what I’ve always wanted to be, and have been,
And where I feel I belong.

What about this one,
I signed up for it too;
It’s not what I wanted,
But it isn’t so bad.
It’s slowly getting better.
But I feel like it’s something I left behind,
I don’t need it anymore
But I’ll just have to do it again.
Not that it’s that easy.
I don’t feel happy with myself here,
No one knows me, what I represent
But I guess I represent myself through what I say
So if I don’t feel like myself,
It’s entirely my own fault.

This other place,
I thought it was gone -
But I still needed it,
So I brought it back.
I’m so glad I did!
It was making things harder,
But it’s a big part of me
And now it’s making this better.
It was a quiet reminder
Of what I didn’t like before,
What I was trying to get away from.
But I couldn’t get away from this part of myself.
Why am I acting like this here?
I don’t quite understand it,
It’s as if it were the same place
Just a different location and time.
It’s getting better now,
Well it’s still the same
But I’m beginning to embrace it,
Not as part of the past,
But part of the present.
It’s clearly still who I am now.